I have been in dark places throughout my life, made choices that some would deem fictional. I have taken my family through turmoil because I never found happiness with myself. To this day I battle with the beauty within and sometimes revert back to colder days.
I think about a time when I loved a man that was in prison and almost gave up everything to be close to him. On embarking on this relationship I almost lost my eldest child and through my younger children into a destructive life style. I then thought that I must be happy and with this selfish mindset I proceeded to make unbelievably harsh moves. I felt that I was indeed doing the right thing at the time but quickly woke up to my wrong moves when it was way to late.
My family and friends probably thought that I was bonkers and they were absolutely right. The doctor had already given me the “clinically depressed” diagnosis, which I never paid any attention to. See a title doesn’t change anything and identifying the issue was just that nothing else. So I kept on moving without the tools to deal with life and it’s ongoing pressures. I found various ways to self help, religion being one, arts and crafts being another. I am laughing as I write because I go from 0-100 so quickly it still amazes me. Well it took me along time to realise that my soul wasn’t bankrupt and I had given birth to love three times, something that had to be housed in love, there fore without any outside influences I had love within. I love my children and have asked for their forgiveness and after years of punishing myself I have learnt to help myself deal with the pain I caused.
I Started this piece by telling you the reader about my marriage, well I went to a far away land and married a beautiful brother. We where together for 7 years and I buried him days after they said he was a free man. I lived in a reality that was not comprehendible to many but at the time it made perfect sense to me.
The story that I am telling is more intricate than the words on this page can ever express. Depression is real and it can lead to poor judgment and loss.