I have learnt to understand my sadness and work hard to deal with this emotion, but every now and then it raises it’s ugly head. Mostly it aids to increase my bipolar  and gives it strength. Have you ever felt like you want to scream but nothing comes out? Or cry but you’ve run out of tears? Well if you have, you will totally appreciate my mood right now. When I feel this way I can’t concentrate on anything positive and there is ambiguity in everything, absolute grey area. It takes me such a long time to rid myself of this empty sadness, but I do until the next time. Fortunately the interludes between episodes are becoming longer but the pain some how becomes more concentrated because of the distance.

I fight for happiness every day and it is becoming my friend albeit distant. Happiness is not insignificant, it should be mandatory. Fight as hard as you can for it because the “sad” doesn’t deserve to have power over your life.


I have been in dark places throughout my life, made choices that some would deem fictional. I have taken my family through turmoil because I never found happiness with myself. To this day I battle with the beauty within and sometimes revert back to colder days.

I think about a time when I loved a man that was in prison and almost gave up everything to be close to him. On embarking on this relationship I almost lost my eldest child and through my younger children into a destructive life style. I then thought that I must be happy and with this selfish mindset I proceeded to make unbelievably harsh moves. I felt that I was indeed doing the right thing at the time but quickly woke up to my wrong moves when it was way to late.

My family and friends probably thought that I was bonkers and they were absolutely right. The doctor had already given me the “clinically depressed” diagnosis, which I never paid any attention to. See a title doesn’t change anything and identifying the issue was just that nothing else. So I kept on moving without the tools to deal with life and it’s ongoing pressures. I found various ways to self help, religion being one, arts and crafts being another. I am laughing as I write because I go from 0-100 so quickly it still amazes me. Well it took me along time to realise that my soul wasn’t bankrupt and I had given birth to love three times, something that had to be housed in love, there fore without any outside influences I had love within. I love my children and have asked for their forgiveness and after years of punishing myself I have learnt to help myself deal with the pain I caused.

I Started this piece by telling you the reader about my marriage, well I went to a far away land and married a beautiful brother. We where together for 7 years and I buried him days after they said he was a free man. I lived in a reality that was not comprehendible to many but at the time it made perfect sense to me.

The story that I am telling is more intricate than the words on this page can ever express. Depression is real and it can lead to poor judgment and loss.

Just thinking


  • its funny when I ride the bus I feel like singing out loud. Probably everyone would be annoyed or even a little anxious at my early morning late evening miss behaviour, but I feel like bursting into song. My toes are tapping and in my head I am singing with an intensity that maybe only I would appreciate, but I feel other people might enjoy a little sing song before proceeding with the rest of their journey.

First blog post

This is your very first post. Click the Edit link to modify or delete it, or start a new post. If you like, use this post to tell readers why you started this blog and what you plan to do with it. The cols theme looks better with longer posts, so we’ll fill this one out with some filler text. ‘I’ll fetch the executioner myself,’ said the King eagerly, and he hurried off.

Alice thought she might as well go back, and see how the game was going on, as she heard the Queen’s voice in the distance, screaming with passion. She had already heard her sentence three of the players to be executed for having missed their turns, and she did not like the look of things at all, as the game was in such confusion that she never knew whether it was her turn or not. So she went in search of her hedgehog.

The hedgehog was engaged in a fight with another hedgehog, which seemed to Alice an excellent opportunity for croqueting one of them with the other: the only difficulty was, that her flamingo was gone across to the other side of the garden, where Alice could see it trying in a helpless sort of way to fly up into a tree.

By the time she had caught the flamingo and brought it back, the fight was over, and both the hedgehogs were out of sight: ‘but it doesn’t matter much,’ thought Alice, ‘as all the arches are gone from this side of the ground.’ So she tucked it away under her arm, that it might not escape again, and went back for a little more conversation with her friend.

When she got back to the Cheshire Cat, she was surprised to find quite a large crowd collected round it: there was a dispute going on between the executioner, the King, and the Queen, who were all talking at once, while all the rest were quite silent, and looked very uncomfortable.

The moment Alice appeared, she was appealed to by all three to settle the question, and they repeated their arguments to her, though, as they all spoke at once, she found it very hard indeed to make out exactly what they said.

The executioner’s argument was, that you couldn’t cut off a head unless there was a body to cut it off from: that he had never had to do such a thing before, and he wasn’t going to begin at HIS time of life.